I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
