Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
