Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
