I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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