Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
