She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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