u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
