I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Still dying that you shit outside
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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