can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
