I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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