Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
