I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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