I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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