I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
