Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
