sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
