im six kinds of drunk right now
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
