I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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