I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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