I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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