I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she peed on how many people?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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