so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
