i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
