The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
