The best revenge is premature balding
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
two words...techno handjob
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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