Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
