Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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