its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
