I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
