I cannot find my penis.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
