I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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