um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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