mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
