ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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