why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
