Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
