I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
