I cockslap morals
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
