he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
