i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
