i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
