yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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