I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
