Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I faked an abortion last night.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
