went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
