I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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