he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
