hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
