you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
