FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
