Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
